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Apr 17, 2015

We Argue Because We Argue

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I got the inspiration to write this post well because frankly, I just finished arguing with my lady : ). I learned something new today; the reason why we argue is simply BECAUSE we argue. From experience, arguments usually aren’t a result from someone in the relationship intentionally doing something the other wouldn’t particularly be okay with; they are usually caused by two people fundamentally not being on the same page about important aspects. What ends up happening is that the two individuals inherently believe they are right and therefore, nothing gets solved just like in a war. In some instances, what you would argue about isn’t as big of a deal to cause issues in the relationship but in others, the topics are too important to overlook. As with everything, whatever you don’t fix, gets worse.

When this disconnect occurs between what you believe to be the right way, you have two options; argue until the other sees things your way (doesn’t always work) or do what I just learned is the best way to go about the situation and simply tell your partner calmly that you don’t like what they just did and ask them never to do it again without getting into details why. If they respect it and can compromise for the sake of keeping the peace and satisfying you, they’ll agree and you can move on. If you decide to get into details, you set the stage for the both of you to tell each other your own reasons and hope one of you sees it from the others’ shoes. Typically, two people with strong personalities with egos will find it more difficult to compromise.

If you are not very similar people that are at the same maturity level and on the same wavelength, expecting the same rationality you display in return is setting yourself up for failure. You are expecting your partner to see things in a perspective that they don’t have eyes to see yet or won’t ever see. Typically, this is the case when there is a substantial age difference or when the age difference lies during crucial years where most maturity occurs. In fact, you most likely see things with your perspective because of specific experiences that you’ve gone through that your partner may not yet have. Therefore, there was no lesson for them to learn. Understanding this will not only help you make sense of things if you clash with your partner but may also will allow the two of you to come to a mutual understanding and acceptance which could make all of the difference.

Although I don’t want to give away too much personal info, for sake of example, I will use my current situation (sorry babe : ] ).
My woman and I both have strong personalities. However, when I feel she does or says something that I find lacked common sense and awareness that I would’ve had in the same situation, we clash. What I will say is that when I simply mention that what she did was something I didn’t like and wouldn’t do to her and ask her not to do it again without mentioning details about why she should see it my way, then matters get solved and we move on. Of course, this works both ways and it should. Make sure that what you are expecting from them is something they can expect from you or this will cause more issues. Hypocrisy will destroy a relationship sooner or later.

Perhaps this approach may help you in your relationship. We are a very ego-driven people who are quick to defend ourselves (probably a defense mechanism from being battered by society) and have a need to feel right. I believe in order for any relationship to work, as a couple, you have to agree to be adults and understand each other before trying to be right. It’s not about winning, it’s about winning together.

Choose to NOT argue. If you take the diplomatic approach and it doesn’t work, you might not be compatible. Give yourselves time to get to know each other and what the of you accepts and doesn’t accept. Once you cross that bridge, it will be smooth sailing assuming you respect each others’ boundaries and expectations.

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Dennis Camilo
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